Some people jump from one relationship to another, being desperately attached to other people. They are looking for acceptance, scared to get hurt. Ultimately, they may find themselves alone, feeling uncertain and not knowing why they repeatedly behave in this destructive way. This post helps to clear the issues preventing you from having a fulfilled long-term relationship.
Long-lasting relationships are not about the other person. More than everything else, it is about you and your own feelings. It is about acceptance. For many of us, even contemplating opening up all parts of ourselves and being exposed to love is a terrifying prospect.
Often, we haven’t exposed the truth of our own pain to ourselves, let alone offer it up to the dazzling light of love. And yet, this retreat from exposure is a retreat from love.
Instead of being honest and open with ourselves, we become unhealthily attached to someone else, becoming needy, suffocating and using sabotaging behaviors unconsciously. Deep down we fear we would be incomplete without them.
We fear non-existence and are attached to others
Letting go into the presence of the unknown and feeling that we could be left alone and lost, is a huge fear. Indeed, some of us have become so identified with our “identity” of being businessmen, teachers etc, that these identities have become the only real ones. So real that without those we fear there would be nothing or no-one here. We fear nonexistence.
Even asking “Who would I be without my relationship” can bring about an internal scrambling for something to cling to. It’s no wonder that attachment to others comes up as a common experience for all of us. Here are some reflective questions to investigate this issue in yourself.
Who are you really?
Take a moment to relax and open. Be ready for these self-inquiry questions to uncover the truth. Initially, words may arise, but as you continue, you may find yourself falling into a vast, boundless presence of Grace where words and thoughts are absent. Be willing to experience it however it comes. Close your eyes and see what is revealed.
If all the outer things you’ve previously identified with, your material goods, your family, your lifestyle, were taken away, what would remain? Who would remain? Who are you really without all these things?
If you could not have all your beliefs, constructs, ideas, learned knowledge, expertise; if all that fell away, what would remain? Who are you?
If you could not define yourself in terms of anything: no role or job, no acquired knowledge, no car, home, relationship. If all these were removed now, who would you be? What would remain?
If all the labels dropped away and you sincerely asked: “Who am I?”, what would arise? Who are you really?
Rest in that unobscured presence of your own essence.
What is your relationship really about – acceptance
Hopefully, now you are beginning to understand yourself a little better. To further get to the root cause and clear any limiting behaviours or obsessive and self-destructive patterns ask yourself the following questions.
- What caused you to be clingy? How does that make you feel? Do you feel this way about yourself too
- What does being in relationship with this person give you?
- What would you have to feel emotionally if these things were no longer available from this person? Are those things already inside you?
- What or who prevents you from having full access to these things?
- How do you really feel about yourself and the other person?
Clearing these patterns and behaviours might just lead you to that glorious relationship you’ve been yearning for. Feel free to keep coming back to the questions whenever you feel stuck in your relationship.